I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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