peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
only if we run a train.
done.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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