I wish I could teleport
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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