at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
