I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
