Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
