dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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