R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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