Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize