I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
