i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
