come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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