Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
