i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
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