Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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