I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Randomize
