I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
