new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize