he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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