it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
