My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He? As in you personified your dick?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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