I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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