Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize