I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
