The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
