I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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