His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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