You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
