Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
