Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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