Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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