all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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