Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
