I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
