you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
