The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
