FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
