Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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