problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
