Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize