I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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