Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
