We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I know her cup size but not her name....
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
