I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
