Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
