idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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