Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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