does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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