i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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