Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i think im in europe. pls send help
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
