yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
