here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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