last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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