i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
