I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
