It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
