this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
