i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
