im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
