why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
