Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
