I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
