Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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