apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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