just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
