this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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