i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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