We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize