I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
